My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
