Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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