Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
