i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
