Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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