he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
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This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
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Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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