Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
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Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
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I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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