remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
