If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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