Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If I die, sorry about rent.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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