you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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