currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
