the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
