I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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