The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
