Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Randomize
