So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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