He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
