idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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