In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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