You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize