So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
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I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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