My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
