she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
