i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
