you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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