I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
