this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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