Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
