My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
