Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
