if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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