he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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