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WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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