Your face is a jimmy john
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
