I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I cut my penus on the lid.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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