oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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