Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
