its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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