I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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