listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
