Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
