Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
