It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
