guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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