worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
