Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
