today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
