Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
