Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
