you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
