I puked a lego.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
