Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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