I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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