my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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